Informercial Infamy

"Do people in your area ever die?"

This morning I was watching TV, as I sometimes do, despite the fact that it was a Sunday morning which is, hands down, the worst collection of timeslots a network has. At least in the middle of the night you can usually get some form of 80s sitcom run in syndication, but your show has to be really bad or really low budget to warrant a Sunday morning timeslot. So as I was flipping through Nascar races, preachy sermons and some show about giant killer bees taking over the Earth and imprisoning people in their (also giant) matrix of honeycomb, I stumbled upon an infomercial. I like infomercials. I've never bought anything over the phone, I don't like spending money and not having anything to show for it until a week later, but I do frequent "As Seen On TV" stores (call me an instant gratification whore if you will). My family owns a Miracle Thaw, a hand-held electric can opener, a JuiceMan juicer, a car duster, the Nads hair removal system, a microwave bacon rack, and three George Forman grills. I have literally dreamt of owning the pots that cook themselves. Now that I've justified my reason for pausing my vehement channel surfing on what most people would consider a lowly infomercial...... This particular infomercial happened to be just starting, the best kind. It had only begun to flash the requisite preface that usually goes something like, "The views expressed during the proceeding program in no way reflect the views of this network so we're going to let them claim that a knife can cut through a shoe and if you're dumb enough to believe it, we're pretty sure you'd never be able to figure out how to sue us for false advertising anyway." At this point, every infomercial holds so much promise. The anticipation that comes from waiting to figure out what the product will be is like waiting to open presents Christmas morning. You can imagine my dismay when I realize that this particular infomercial happens to be the worst kind possible. It was advertising one of those real-estate investing get-rich-quick seminars. These are the bottom-feeders of infomercial. They are the ones that give infomercials a bad name. Just as I was about to turn the channel and cut my losses after spending five minutes watching the opening (no infomercial ever tells you exactly what it is selling until at least five minutes after it begins), the "host" appears. After noticing the unusually small suit and tie he's wearing, I get over my initial shock and realize: The host is a midget! (Excuse me, "little person") This is no longer an infomercial, this is a freak show! My basic human instinct for spectacle now forbids me to turn the channel. I am transfixed. The midget little person on TV introduces himself as the co-founder of this "income expanding opportunity" just as his business partner walks out onto the stage. Yep, you guessed it. He too is...not tall. Two little people. Not just two little people: TWIN little people, wearing the exact same suit. What I originally assumed was a camera trick, turned out to be two brothers. Brothers who happened to be twins and also happened to be little people were now imploring me to attend their seminar. This begs the question, how many people actually go to these seminars to learn real-estate and how many go just to stare at the little people?