Scary Job Interview

Today I was interviewed by three pregnant women. Right before the interview started, one of them winked at me and whispered, "It's in the water." I respectfully declined the position.  

The Smithsonian

Alright, I came back from Tokyo. :(

But in an attempt to regain my sense of Americanism and stifle the withdrawal symptoms from leaving Japan, I recently took a trip to "Our Nation's Capitol." (If I hear the words "Our Nation's Capitol" one more time, I will scream.) Amongst the cherry blossom trees (no flashbacks of Tokyo there) I saw "the monuments" as the locals say. After that, I spent a few days in the Smithsonian and it turns out that lots of people bring their kids to the museums....all 150 of them. Unless you want to be caught amid wandering packs of school groups, my advice for visiting the Smithsonian: go on a weekend. The kids came in blue-shirted packs, orange-shirted packs, green-shirted packs, all of which read something like "Washington D.C. 2006" or "Visit to Our Nation's Capitol '06". There was even a pack of kids with red tie-dyed shirts that said "Canada." Apparently they were lost.

If I ever have to chaperone a group of kids to a museum I plan on keeping them in one big herd, telling them exactly what they should think is interesting, and taking them home. No free-ranging. I would not release them into the place to "learn" for themselves, because then you get wandering packs of kids not learning, but screaming and yelling all over the place trying to find each other.

"Matt!"
"Where's Matt? He said we were going to hang out together today."
"Matt!!"
"He better not be with Heather, I hate her."
"Maaaaaaaaaaatt!"

And invariably, in every dark hallway leading to a bathroom, there is an adult trying to console some overly-dramatic teenager.

"Cindy, stop crying, it's going to be ok."
"Cindy, what's the matter?"
"I know you saw Matt and Heather holding hands but you need to be an adult now."
"Can you do that for me?"

Once, while looking at an exhibit on Edison's lightbulbs, something hit me on the back of my leg. I looked down and a red kickball rolled under the exhibit in front of me. A kickball. The kids walking behind me had been dribbling it as they meandered through the museum. So while you can't get a nail file past the guard at the bag check, a kickball is A-ok. I left them as they tried to figure out who was small enough to fit underneath the lowest row of 150 year-old lightbulbs to retrieve the ball.

This Month's Schedule

I was reading the latest edition of Japanzine, the English language national Japanese magazine. Here is a sampling of some festivals held in Japan in February. (I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.....)

February 3, Yamaguchi Festival
Local businesses donate cow-related prizes made from gold, silver and copper. The top prize is a live bull that the winner has to look after until the autumn.

February 6, Saga Festival
A parade of hundreds of people in festival dress led by horses with colorful headgears and saddles. Horses and people alike dance the mambo while thousands of people look on.

February 10, Ishikawa Festival
Young men, half-naked, beat the ground and try to smash a 2-meter length stick of thick bamboo into pieces, then pull a giant straw snake out of a shrine and throw it into the river.

Seventh Day of Lunar New Year Festival
Major bean-throwing festival held at the head temple and men dressed as demons act crazily and prod people's backs with burnt-out torches.

February 5, Nara Festival
This is a celebration of fertility. After a rice-planting ceremony, a ritual dance simulates a couple having sexual intercourse.

February 3 Nagasaki, Kyushuu Festival
Hundreds of year-old babies compete every year: they sit opposite each other while a referee tries to surprise them into crying. The first baby to cry is the winner.

And to top it all off, there is a special section listing all of the "Naked Festivals" being held nationally this month. Here is a sample listing for one of the naked festivals (there are five listed): "The ages of 25 and 42 are considered unlucky ages for men and so at this festival, about 10,000 men of those ages take this opportunity to run around the town naked--and usually drunk-- jostling each other before diving into the sea. The night climaxes in a vigorous struggle to touch the 'god-man' (a wooden charm) tossed into the air by priests. Recently, men of other ages have been joining in the hope of making their wishes come true."

So when I come back, no one can ever argue with me that Japanese people aren't crazy. Because they are, a lot. Really, honestly, this is where I live.

Effective (Yet By No Means "Good") Ways to Learn Japanese

Go to Japan and:

1. break your computer

Why oh why was I eating chicken noodle soup over the keyboard of my laptop while watching 24? I know this will be hard to believe, but completely unexpectedly, I spilled the soup and watched it seep into the depths of my computer. (FYI, even if you computer has a virus, chicken soup is not the cure...sorry that was pretty awful) After being told at the first repair place that they wouldn't touch my computer because it was American (computer racism!) and a few rounds on hold with Dell America (not to be confused with Dell Japan considering neither one knows that the other exists), I finally did call the Japanese branch of Dell. Where they speak no English. At this point, I'm not even sure Dell Japan knows that America exists. Long story short, now I know how to say, "There's nothing we can do, but we are so extremely incredibly sorry that we wish we could dismantle all of our own computers and build you a new one but unfortunately we can't because you are American" in Japanese.

2. try to get a Chinese visa

I admit that even though I live in Tokyo and am all about learning Japanese, I prefer to use English when it comes to the really important stuff. So last week I went to the Chinese embassy to see about applying for a tourist visa to visit a friend in Shanghai. Turns out that the embassy is only open from 9am to noon a few days a week. Really. I don't know if its because they're lazy or paranoid, but there is virtually no way to get into the embassy because it is NEVER open. I, of course, had to learn this the hard way. I went up the guard at the gate and asked in English if he spoke English. He made it clear that he didn't by staring blankly at me. I asked him in Japanese if he spoke any Japanese. Finally he responded haltingly with, "A bit." Great, talking to someone in Japanese is a possible although not preferred method of communication, and there's no way we're doing this in Chinese. So I slooooowly ask in Japanese when the embassy is going to be open and all he can do is respond with, "It isn't! It isn't!" I tell him that I know it isn't, and ask if he knows when it is, to which he responds, "After 6:00 tonight." Right. Makes sense. It isn't open now, at 11am, but it will be tonight after six. Awesome.

3. get sick

I haven't done this one, but I hear it is possibly the most effective (yet by no means good) way to learn Japanese. Here's hoping I never find out....


In other news, I happened upon a post of Kate's from the first time I went to Japan. Sad that I am referred to simply as "a girl I live with" instead of, oh I don't know, "my roommate" but whatever. Either way, ahhh the memories.....